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The Meaning Question. (You know what I’m talkin’ about…or do you?)

May 22, 2006

I must believe that the universe is microcosmed within a single human being.

Because, as a patterned fact I am relegated to just that: no real connections, promises to keep, hands to hold, or stable relationship in emotional space to the things (Read: people) around me.

I am spinning, bouncing, whirring like the atomic particles that build my frame. I crave stillness; yet, with it, I would die. I want rest. “Rest In Peace.” Bah! (No, I take it back! I want motion! Motion!)

I want life, and it exhausts me. I tread water, constantly, constantly…constantly? Constantly I find that nothing and no one remains constant. They bounce, slide like glass beads on a thread, suspended in my constellation. I am the sun…the big yellow bead in the middle. (In my middle, anyway). And I realize, in terrific glimpses, that mine is not the only solar system, that an asteroid might knock off one of my planets (or even that they move–cyclically, seasonally–toward me and away from me), and that one day I will blow up…poof! Extinguished! (And I don’t know when.)

In conclusion:
1. I am always alone. I am always connected. I am always craving both aloneness and connection.
2. Therefore, either every thing means Everything, or nothing means anything.*
3. I don’t know the right answer to number 2. This bothers me a great deal.

*What? Play it back…slower:
(ah, how the language speaks the truth, the complexity: “thing” is in all of the important words above. How frustratingly mimetic of life! And “Nothing means Anything”?! Read it: N o t h i n g (No things) means A n y t h i n g (any thing? any one thing…or every thing? Nothing means everything?). Ugh. How we tell the truth without knowing we know it!)

Words for life. Yeah.

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